How to talk with your parents about aging

We see it all the time. The adult children of aging parents come to our offices looking for direction. Yes, they have legal questions (How do I start using my power of attorney without disturbing or offending Dad? How will Mom ever be able to pay for nursing home care?). Often, however, their questions are much more vague, and much more difficult.

What these clients often need is counseling, advice and reassurance. It is hard to initiate conversations with parents. It is hard to begin the shift to parenting our parents. When they were parenting us they had Dr. Spock for help, and we had Dr. Brazelton in our turn. But there isn't a good single guidebook for this process. And it is becoming much more commonplace.

Yesterday, with NPR on the car radio, I practically had to pull over to give my full attention to one of the best conversations I have ever heard on the subject. "Talk of the Nation," with Lynn Neary filling in for Neal Conan, devoted its January 17, 2007, program to "How to talk to parents about aging." With guests Amy Dickinson ("Ask Amy") and Joseph Coughlin (from the MIT AgeLab), the half-hour program was a goldmine of small nuggets and reinforcement.

I loved it. I predict you will, too -- whether you are looking for help dealing with your own aging parents, or are an elder law attorney or other professional in the aging network. You can get transcripts, you can read and contribute to the "Talk of the Nation" blog, or you can listen to the program itself online at the NPR site. I'm a big fan of NPR generally, and this excellent program provides good support for that view.

Robert B. Fleming
Fleming & Curti, PLC
Tucson, Arizona

Comments

[David Solie, MS, PA]

At some point in the lives of our aging parents things slip out of control. It may be a subtle change over time that finally becomes unmanageable or the sudden arrival of a medical setback. As much as we want them to remain independent, events take them off course and tough decisions need to be made about the quality of their lives. It could be unsafe driving, near accidents at home, poor compliance with medical treatment, financial negligence, or the inability to recover from the loss of a spouse. Regardless of the circumstances, it becomes clear to those who care about them and to those who care for them that something needs to change. The question is how to communicate this urgent and unavoidable need for change? What is the right approach to navigate these delicate and many times volatile interventions with our aging parents that will minimize the trauma of the tough choice while at the same time give them hope about the future? While there are no easy answers, there are three communication strategies that can improve the chances of our aging parents eventually participating in and successfully surviving these tough choices. (You can read the balance of this article on "Communicating Tough Choices to Aging Parents" at http://www.dsolie.com/blog).

David Solie, MS, PA